November 12th

Last night I had a dream that I was a mermaid. I was swimming around in the middle of nowhere and I came across a sunken ship, when I swam inside I saw a shark. I swam for my dear life and ended up in a gas station in Bangkok, Thailand. I somehow had legs suddenly and told the cashier at the gas station that there was a shark chasing after me, he laughed at me, and then suddenly turned into a dragon. I screamed, and started running down the street. It was surprisingly foggy in Thailand. Then I woke up. Wherence, I find my stature diluted upon. To understand is to forget all of ones naturals state, into the unknown. Does fate envelop love? Does love overtake all of its predecessors? In alacrity, my mind seethes upon my thoughts unto its honing instincts. If it were, the infatuation claims a faulty crutch, leer me, a fortuitous substitute. My sentiments relapse within these yearnings, as I shout to the heavens my elusive nature. Never again, but only this. Thus a prison, thus a market, a sell of endowment, a sell of predetermined prospects, these my parents take refuge abut. We fade amongst the lilies, at bay, neath the kingdom stay. Trust is a fortified argument, nothing to be sham, and a loose lengthened array to favor ancestral dominance. Folly echoes the breaths of my past. For it to never be again, a proof of longevity, to natures charm, and societies wit. Only but a change, a swivel I must take.

November 11th

I didn't have a dream last night either. I do still love Jaden... To but just have a glimpse of hope, I shall be sustained in loneliness. If only but a thought. The essence of my mind, a trifling encounter, a mercy beckoning cry. At the weight of my judgment, a far-sighted nigh. And with it the loose lengthening emotions that are me. I control you, but I cannot. If I could do whatever I did I would be lost. Lost and forgotten in myself, a wintry falsification of truth. He's a thinker, dressed in fastidious black. A forever aloof embellishment, and a long lighted texan. This place is dry, this place is wet, but it shall whichever of displeasure. I am discontented, but shimmering in my countenance. As it were, though as you could tell, a dull lingering furtherance. Last Christmas was a fun discontinuation of my soul. I shan't bring myself upon susceptibility again. I thank thee that inhibits me. Upon you I give my graces to, for you give rise to my innate self. I gently kiss the weathered disposition that has become of me, become of us. Have I finally reason to move from this cold, assuming path? Yet a bitter wind of chills from the north, and all I have is knowledge of the abyss.

November 10th

Today I woke up dreamless. I do remember having an episode of sleep paralysis however. It was mild, if anything. It only happened a few times during the night, where I felt I couldn't move, but it didn't scare me, I simply went to sleep when I could. I wonder at this extremity. I only work with subtle affirmations, and it brings me to my demise. Under the sound of simpering whispers, under the torches lighted dimly, the wood of the roots, and the essence of moisture in the desert air. Of which I reciprocate, of which denial beseeches its receivers. I could never feel a kiss so bold, I would never see love if it was written so plainly, I wont ever realize the depths of emotions so bluntly expressed. Only at ambiguity can my stature be replaced, and therein it will remain. Unto me a founded place, it only disintegrates with its known existence. I rot herein and find myself panting for a sacred haven. I gloat upon and temper trued. And now I understand, no further amplifications will be upon state. This hour, if it but had of me, I would say hello. The chill in the wind frees me from my expectations, but I must face them. I look to the face of my life and I recognize my likelihood of survival: at nigh of an oblivion. "The winner takes it all"

November 9th

Yet again, I had another dream about Jaden. I had a dream that I was falling, into a black hole, and there was a piece of glass. As I looked into the glass I saw Jaden, in all of his magnificence. He was bent over, playing the guitar, singing an old song, seeming at peace with the world and all that was in it. I find this abstract recourse of feeling in Jaden Brooks, a long lost love that I keep bringing myself back to; no matter the course of my feelings or my travels in this dry, desolate existence I seek refuge in... He escapes me, his thoughts, his words, his presence, it all endows me with a sense of chimera. My lover, a disappearance... Jaden has tormented my soul, inside and out. I see the future, a dark, grey abyss, as the tear drops swell from these cloudy skies. I ache at the thought of having to find myself in loneliness, or someone elses arms. One day I just want to know what it would feel like four my soul to harmonize in the radiation of Jaden’s. I know that will never happen though, and I should stop wishing it to... 

November 8th

Last night I had another dream about Jaden. We were floating in the sky, and mist surrounded us. The unjust radiation in your eyes solidifies its dominance. And with a swift word you take my heart into itself. Again I feel this nonsense, and again I feel this envy. I feel I have nothing left to offer the sense in this world. And at every passing day I find myself wishing I could hold onto the hope that so daftly implodes upon its own upbringing...To be gone is to only be aloft in anothers controllable perception. A wasted thought we spend on misery turns against us, turns for us. But will it ever stop. Time exists just to have an untimely manner. In its own state of never-ending it can never front death. The only thing that can win against time is death. But you’re an angel aren’t you... Sent to torment me in my deprivation... I close my eyes, I close the world. But you always seem to know your way in... I perceive you through the depths of my unabated love, for you are that of a wind I could never follow... The oath you never swore, the silence abiding aloft in sweet tasteless misery.. Our thoughts never touch, existing in a realm sedated. I always get sick to my stomach thinking, hoping, wanting, someone else. When all it has ever been was you. It has never not been you. Today of all days has been one to realize this. I don’t know if I will ever get my point across. But in the meantime I keep my eyes to the darkest nights, I always have and will forever stand amidst the wind. All eternity a bliss but here I hold one thing in.

November 7th

Last night I had a dream about a cow. This cow was dying, and its only way of living was if I sacrificed my life for it. I ended up agreeing to sacrifice myself and the cow ended up dying anyways. I feel like this dream represents my view towards life. My view on the world and what the world defines success is quite simple. It would seem as though society keeps a coveting watch on it’s successors. As a result I am a self-agitation of a blur. I am hidden behind deep swallows of self-aggrandizing glory, only to be beseeched by a character of annoyance, constant in every situation. For people that have the ability to tread water in the demanding oceans of time and situational vigor with substantial input, bottomless thirst is on the horizon. That horizon will never be the product of anything I am or my emotions take me. My emotions have become a landscape of pity, encasing everything slightly absurd to barely existent in context with societies regulations of something existent. Thanks to society my views towards people are callously skewed.

November 6th

Last night I had a dream that I was looking for my most recent crush, but not matter where I looked I could not find him. I looked in a tree house, in the lake, in a ski resort, and in a cotton field. It may be your abilities, and not what your abilities have placed upon you. I cannot look to the face that he is. How can you look upon my existence with a nonchalant high? It seemed as though we could make nothing of it, but in realism a better bough. An extension of you, that is the longing I sore of. Maybe for the best, I do contend, but not as if I wanted it to be. How you can say so much and mean nothing of it. How the world is implied, in a rosemary of sorts, and a parsing ache. Your obsessions delve themselves to your side, to your feathering whims. And at a caustic trifle, a sound is made. The sound of your life, in a twenty second abated interval. I hear it trudging along, dreading itself, and at a far sighted plea I leer upon a grin. A fateful sigh, and I relic upon you a rye expression of dull adherence. I acknowledge your presence and with a muddle you disgrace mine. Am I not the person that my words condone?

November 5th

Last night I had a dream that I woke up at two in the afternoon, and I was late for work. I was so flustered because I am never late for work, I never call in sick, and I feel like the only think I am good for is being dependable. I need to stop fettering with the stars. They plague me so, they leave me deftly. I find a mist to wander in, I find a wolf to dance with. I died that night and you never looked for me. But again with this soundless whimpering, this finicky plow of determined existence. And I cave at the edge of my thoughts, the edge of my mind. I feel the presence of evil as it rays its lovely etching across my understanding. Have I escaped? Or am I stuck in the burrows of haphazard emotions? Had it been absolved, I would be free. Had it been a relic in times fragrance, a smear in the dimension's opening. Had I never known the other side for what it really was, I would still be looping about in my own world. But no, exposition at it's greatest, in the thicket of nonsense, in the layers of treason and remorse, and tall tail signs of pigmented truth. I foretell the eyes that see me, in a bliss of wandering soughs that make of me my soul. Ah, but it would never had it ever.

November 4th

Last night I had a dream that I woke up in the middle of a blizzard, and all around me I could see nothing but white. I climb upon this ladder of uncertainty. I am lost in this fog. I need to reach out, but I don't know where I will be taken. I find myself lurking among stupidity in the face of curiosity. That's all it is... But I'm too scared to fight it. I can't fight it. I won't. I'm shaken off my feet, caught in this whirlwind, once again, oh but once again, a many more times in probability. I'm shredded to the very finest of texture, and yet I complain. This lazy confinement i have figured is taking it's toll. I listen to 60's music, and it calms me. I used to hate 60's music. I just don't understand. I fight you in the face of idealism, but what I need is realism, that is you, but do I really. No one knows, and no one will ever know. I figure things to my advantage and I figure my advantage to society... A terrible thing, a vicious cycle, and yet I partake in such. I don't really know you, I only know what has become of you, but what are you, who are you, how can I tell, and I am lying to myself. Time can only tell the face of these manners, only time can bring upon understanding. But time used is time wasted... Or is it?

November 3rd

Last night I had a dream that I got married to one of my co-workers. It was really weird because he is like 40 years old. I felt like I was forced into the marriage by my parents, and I felt like it could be an escape from the world. Often I feel like my parents are pressuring me to do things, even if they are not. It seems as though the more I try to avoid awkward situations, the more I become involved in them. So many times I try to date guys shortly after meeting them to avoid awkward pretenses involved with me and my guy friends or guy acquaintances. But there are so many problems with dating guys without really knowing them. I never know what I'm going to get, and that's really annoying. But I'm glad I finally figured it out. Now I just need to find some magical potion to go back in time so that I can get to know guys before committing anything to them. The only thing I can't argue with is that when I break up with a guy after thinking I was in love with them after not really knowing them is really not that hard, just annoying to be looked upon with animosity.

November 2nd

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming on a beach, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a surfer comes over to me and tries to drown me. When I thought I was close to death I see something in the depths of the ocean coming up to me. It was a mermaid, she took my hand and led me down with her. When I realized that I had been turned into a mermaid too I was so excited. There was drama in the mermaid nation and apparently I had stolen someones powers when I had become a mermaid. The powers I stole were from an evil mermaid, and when I was alone she came to me and started threatening my life. I told her I would give her my powers, and when I did, I had been turned back human, and, not knowing where I was, thought I was going to drown. Then I woke up from my dream. This dream was really vivid. I was actually kind of disappointed when I woke up and realized that it wasn't real, the same time I was relieved though, because otherwise I would have died. I think a major theme in this dream is deception. Sometimes I can be too gullible when I feel bad for other people, like if there is anything I can do to help, I'll do it. This is not always safe though and people often take advantage of me for it. I often refer to myself as a doormat, just to be walked all over.

November 1st

I don't remember anything of my dream at all last night. I have been declared dead and now rest in the sunders of disassociation. I love you, and I fabricate the day we will meet. I know not of this yet, but that I hope we will is enough. I can think of you upon a thought, a day dream, a swift envisioning of your presence. Just a touch, oh but if a touch, only one. My eyes lose their strength, they are weakened by the sight of you. You are a captivation, bringing resistance at its end. I wish upon this, that I should be able to look into your soul. Forever at peace you bring me, just a sound, a sound in the silence, your voice can melt me. It would be enough to just be able to look at your face, to see your thoughts. I have fallen to the sides of society, I reside in the cracks beneath the city walls. I see to the fallen souls, paying respect to those of a different kind. The scum of the earth, I see myself. I bring innocent spirits down, I entrap them in a melody of idealism. But forever I shall repent. For this and for you. May you find yourself in the lockets of time. May you wish upon the echoed existence of nature. May you let go of all that has ever had its pending albatross upon your heart. May you think in the daylight and melt your soul with the evening's grace.

October 31st

Last night I had a dream that I was in the mountains, wondering around. It was cold and I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't know what was to become of me. I ended up finding a cave and falling asleep, at that I woke up... I seek, I stumble, I seek, I stumble. What is to become of me? My soul, my despondent spirit, such a mockery to existence, such a fable, a fantasy. I plodder through the sense of loneliness; love is such a mystery. I am beaten, broken, helpless, and a wreck to society's grin. My dissenting mind is difficult, and my will stubborn. I have been underwater all these years, and at the sight of you, ready to reach land again. But alas, it not be. I have fought these serpents and now I rest in the seas. I cannot find you here, but I know where you are.

October 30th

Last night I had a dream that I was a princess in a castle. I was called to kill a door mouse at my friends house, but when I got there they tied me up in a sack and carried me out of the town, and threw me in a hole.... I hated this dream... My tendencies represent a fateless reality. I am pushed back, I am doubted. Time and time again I fix myself upon a shred of light, a truth existing among society's prevarications. I avoid everything right, I run away from anything good. And I am found helpless, observing my natural state, my human existence, my fatal wanderings. I look to the south, to the east, to my lovely surroundings. To the aesthetic feel of a heart throb, the morbid classification of needing a shocking element. I appease every rightful term to its innate behavior, in order to justify my own. I happenstance every event to the desire for no meaning. I cannot feel, I cannot breathe, I need these things but I am quite happy without them. I feel your presence and it betrays my existence. It inquires upon my subtle, sustaining words. My soul, my emotions, at peace within my weary countenance. I wont allow humbling myself, for it sides with unjustified poverty. I must not bring light upon that of which I do not completely agree with. But to be totally and noticeably in the depths, I feel what I do not feel, as it has a simpler meaning, which I do not express my condolences for. I wish myself to only be an idea, not a person, as I have made you the former, and sadly rejoice in it. I want to be an art, I shant be shamed of something so limitedly observed.

October 29th

Last night I had a dream about Jaden. I was holding his hand in church. I don't remember much, but if I could say something to him it would be this: I love you. Oh so very much. It pains me so to see you rejected by the one you love. I am apt to learn you indeed, but I fear you. I fear what my mind has made you. I fear that you are an idea, and I will never know you. I will never fall in love with you. You just represent a world to me that I am never to access, never to attain the wanderings of love. But know that I want it, and I want you. But that will never happen, and I know it to be. I just wish I was her, the girl you love, the girl that rejected you, that couldn't love you the way you wanted her to. I would love you, all that and more. I would love you every day and a lifetime. I already do. If we can't be together I will still love you, as I have been. Every relationship of mine has been an absolute flake, none of it meaning anything. I always wonder why I am never able to give all of myself. But this is the reason. You are the reason. I love you. And I will forever more love you. Every day, every night, every afternoon. Not a day goes by where I don't think upon you, of you, your words softly echo in my vision. I see you aloft my imagination. I need to touch you. Just a touch. I will have touched the world if only you. If only you knew. But you must never. I only grace your eyes with a shaft of mine, only a weary sigh in the corner of your existence. Am I never to be realized? to be upon your understanding? Just a thought never to be spoken, just a wandering little wonder. Wandering around in wonder. What a wonder this wonder. A wonder. I wonder. A wonder. I would faint on sight if ever we did come to fruition. But that is a shay shay thought. I feel as though I make these impossible conditional reasonings so that I don't have to deal with the outcome if the condition is made. But I do know, deeply inside, it would never be right without you. Any relationship will be and has been a flake. Because they have not been you.

October 28th

Last night I had a dream that I was a cat, that is all I can remember, just walking around in a field, being a cat. But I realized something when I woke up... I'm like a cat... I'm playing with my food but I don't anticipate eating it... Like a cat with a mouse; having fun with it, but after realizing it's dead, ignoring it. I try to justify my choices, convincing myself that he is perfect. Actually most of the time I do see them as perfect, but not perfect for me, perfect for someone else. I see them for who they are, and I realize that the girl they should be with is not me, but regardless I continue to lead them on, just for the thrill of the ride. This is bad on my part, and I see it as foolish. But it's an addiction. I've used my skills and endowments to lure unsuspecting victims into my traps. When I set them free they are heart broken and teary eyed. I must be a sick, twisted animal. An addiction has grown inside of me and I need to let go of it. Sometimes I feel like I can't finish anything, ever. I always want something new, something better. I get bored easily and I'm constantly on the lookout for bigger and better. Schools, jobs, boyfriends, clothes, shoes, sports teams. EVERYTHING. Even churches. I just feel so guilty. I can never keep anything, and I try so hard to convince myself to hold on to security, but I wont allow myself to take part in reason. I wont allow myself to make sense.

October 27th

I haven't the slightest idea of what my dream was last night. I can't remember a thing. But I do have a few things to say. I am just so repulsed by the situation I'm in right now. My existence is just screaming to get out of this. But I can't do it, I wont. Sometimes I force myself to go through things just to prove to myself I can. This time it's to the point where I just feel like I'm going to vomit all over the place any and every time I'm reminded of my situation. It's just hard, you know. If I was out of this pressure, out of this headache, this anomaly, this animosity.... I would be free you know. Free to write, free to feel, free to act upon any urge I wanted to. But no, I'm trapped. I can't even tell you why I'm trapped because it's so fragile that if anyone that knew me personally was to get a hold of this writing, I would be dead. Me and my life, dead, in the ground. But I would be gone at least, then I would allow myself to actually think, not bounded by this stupid repression. It gets even worse when the situation asks upon you something. It just reminds you that you have to give to get (or be taken back in this case). Taken back to the depths of my sorry sorry consciousness. I want to scream, but I know I wouldn't even be able to hear myself. I want to let go, but even then I would be holding on. It would be holding on to me, clutched to my very thoughts, my very self. It needs me to survive, to thrive. I wouldn't be able to get rid of it even if I tried. Even if I pushed it away, buried in the ground. There I would find myself, buried with it.

October 26th

Last night I had a dream that I was going to work, at my ice cream job. The store was actually under a lake, and I had to go swim underwater to scoop the ice cream to give to the customers. This makes no logical sense whatsoever. Because if the water is warm enough to be water, it could not possible store something frozen for very long, not to mention the sanitary violations involved with a lake and food. I don't even know what to make of this dream. I suppose the main theme would be that I think my ice cream job is absurd, well I actually don't really like it all that much. But it was my first job, and for that I owe it my respect. I would never have got my foot in the door had it not been for Bruster's I really needed the experience with customer service. I also needed to prove to myself that I can actually be on time somewhere, and not late every single time. This is a huge problem for me. I feel like I am completely irresponsible because I am never on time anywhere, except for work, because there is the threat of being fired if I am not on time to work. I am also extremely scared of people being mad at me for being late. I suppose that this job had made me structurally sound, and for that I am very grateful for.

October 25th

Last night I had a dream that the guy I thought I had gotten over, and now dislike very much, or so I thought... I had a crush on him a few weeks ago and since he never talks to me I stopped liking him. Then he randomly showed up out of nowhere so I started liking him again. But he doesn't seem to like me... At all... So I stopped liking him. Anyways. All I can remember from the dream was him putting his arm around me, and us cuddling. It was so realistic, like it was actually reality. I could feel his touch, like I had before, I felt him like I used to. It was so weird, and my emotions were so real. I don't remember the context, all I remember is us, together. I don't even think I like him, but apparently my subconscious does, or whatever. I really don't even want us to get together, it would be so uncalled for. Right now I need to focus on getting myself into better shape before I start looking for others to enjoy life with. Friends are fine, but more than friends are not. I feel like all motivation to better yourself is lost when you have someone by your side to love. This is why married people often let themselves go in the relationship if they feel comfortable. I don't want to feel comfortable. I want to join the freaking military!

October 24th

Last night I had a dream that I was in Texas. This was actually a lucid dream. I had a dream I was at a pool house, swimming, when I realized I was dreaming. I then got out of the pool and found a tool shed. Whenever I realize I'm dreaming in a dream I always try to find doors. I absolutely love opening doors in lucid dreams because you never ever really know what you're going to get. Anyways, When I opened the door, there was a staircase, going down to some darkness. I of course followed the staircase down, and after a while ended up in the middle of a cozy, little room underground. there was a fire in the fireplace, and everything was red and tan colored. There was another door near the fire, but when I went to go open it, I heard some footsteps behind me. It was a boy, asking me to help build him a waterslide. When I tried to say something, I ended up waking up. This happens often in a lucid dream. It's as if I don't know how to separate my real life voice with my dream voice, I know I need to work on this.

October 23rd

Last night I had a dream about being in middle school. I was in my English class and a random guy asked me what my address was. I gave it to him (I don't know why), and he ended up sending me six thousand dollars worth of male clothing articles such as sweaters, pants, shirts, jackets, and socks. He also sent me a rug in the mail. I thought this was so weird and I ended up burning the rug because I didn't like it. I then had a dream that I was at the mall and I met an oriental girl named Suzy. We then ate lunch at burger king. We got threatened by a gang and she got out her sports car (in the middle of the mall) and we drove away, to taco bell. I ordered popcorn from taco bell and then we met up with some of her friends that were really rich and snobby. I have absolutely no idea where to begin with this dream. I feel like it doesn't really mean anything. I have no idea what it could mean.... I suppose a theme could be that I enjoy meeting new people and having exciting experiences with them. I am always up for something exciting in my boring, mush life.

October 22nd

Last night I had a dream that I was an eagle. I was flying around in the desert and I came to this oasis. There I found a waterhole that I quenched my thirst with. Suddenly out of a nowhere a lion comes and drinks all the water from the waterhole, and runs away. This represents the feeling I have towards society, How I feel like everyone is just sucking all of the life out of everything, and out of me. Right now I'm really pissed. I have decided that my conception of people is amassed into two principles. 1. Everybody is only something if they are that something completely. 2. Everyone that lives by the first principle is completely and utterly an idiot. Now that I've gone over the basic logistics of my reasoning we can move on to more interesting nonsensical boughs that overextend themselves into my thoughts daily and leave traces of scratches and dirt, only to be laughed at based on their excretions.
I am easily angered, though it rarely permeates through my constant almost abrasive fear of societies standards and proper etiquette and blah blah blah. Right now all of my bound, beaten, stuffed emotions are at the mercy of a thin, stretched membrane close to tearing and emitting a vaporous stench of qualms and ash coated plights. Gasp. Sometimes I stagger for breath in situations like these, but at the same time experiencing the feeling of intense displeasure so that I can relive it time and time again. Why do I elongate my disheartened emotions dry? To thrive in the person that is me; to live a passion so discretely obtained mostly by sadistic pessimistic theorists living in an abyss of idealistic contradictions.

October 21st

Last night I had a dream that I woke up and everything was just dark. Like I was suddenly blind. It freaked me out, and I just thought to start writing. Writing is really the only escape I have. The escape that I cannot access due to a societal understanding, that inhibits me from externalizing my mind into a vapor that can escape me. I need to feel escaped, but alas I cannot. Sometimes misfortune follows me around, and like a plague it takes me and all of those around me down. It can be hard to escape and once you realize the cause of the misfortune is you, it's even harder to escape. Again, I feel as though I am trapped, and anything I say can and will be used against me; Here, in my dream jounals, in my private journals, facebook, and everywhere else. It's like I'm being followed and I really just need to cut of my resources expending... That said, don't continue reading if you plan on judging me. I just don't understand how some people just function is society so naturally, like the way it should be. It takes so much work on my part to overcome my mindset that I actually like to socialize, that I actually like other people. Some people dream of being in love. I don't understand why, it's nothing special.

October 20th

I had a dream about clothes last night. I was trying to figure out what to wear to work, but it wasn't uniform. I also had a dream that I was eating pringles and then doing an obstacle course in my hallway. I also had a dream that everything was pride and prejudice style and I was in the house and there was a lack of cushions and the beds were hard and I was trying to go to sleep. I can't really remember much else. I figure my dream about work represents my desire to rebel against customs. I've only been working at this job for about two months and I feel like I have followed every single rule and regulation down to the last dot. But there's a burning desire to just throw it all away and show my individuality. That would of course, get me fired, and I wouldn't want that... I think my dream about eating and exercising represents the exercise I do that is pointless because I just eat it all back anyways. I am trying to finish the application process to go to the Naval Academy and I think this dream represented myself defeating myself. I really need to be more serious about getting into shape both physically and mentally. The dream about Pride and Prejudice represents a want to live in the 18th or 19th century England. I have recently been watching a lot of older English films, and I oh so want to have lived then. I would have loved it.

October 19th

 Last night i had a dream that me and this guy I used to have a crush on a few years ago, lets call him Bob. Well me and Bob were both actors in a movie about dragons. I was a red dragon and he was a purple dragon, and he was almost twice my size. We were the main characters in the movie and we were apparently in love with each other. One of the scenes I remember vividly, was where Bob and me were rolling around, breathing fire, and making out, around China Town. (I must be watching too much American Dragon Jake Long lol...). After that scene we wernt with the director and laid in some lettuce. I also had a dream that I was at Pine Lake, my high school in 9th and 10th grade. We were taking exams. I don't even remember what the exams were, I just remember walking into a room completely full except for one chair, so I sat in it as I took my exams. I also remember a guy that was sitting in front of me, his name was Justin, and he looked strangely familiar. This dream represents my innate desire to be an actor. I have always loved drama, I just never had the nerve to get involved in theater or acting in any form. Though I know I would love it, I love being a drama queen... Behind closed doors.... I would be a very quiet drama queen if in front of people.

October 18th

Last night I had a dream that I was on a farm with this blonde girl that I don't know in real life. (Or maybe have seen but don't remember the name or face of). We were trying to get off the farm but we wanted to run in some sunflowers. The sunflowers were on a hill and there was a creek below. We started to go down the hill and bees attacked us. I didn't get stung and we ran all the way back to the farm house. We sent behind the farmhouse into the barn and saw a sheep moving. His name was dolly and he was a clone. We were surprised to see it move and wanted to take it off the farm, so we led it off the farm. Dolly was flashing from human to sheep so someone had to explain to me that some people saw the sheep as a boy and others saw it as a sheep (whatever they wished to see it as). When we were walking away a few people asked me if I was a nerd and I said yes. I feel like this dream is totally non-relatable and unrealistic. I have no idea what it means, but I can guess that a major theme behind it is the fact that society chooses to see what they want to see, and you can't put visions into anyones head that has not had previous experience with the vision, per say.

October 17th

Last night I had several short dreams. One of my dreams consisted of me listening to a biology lecture, from my biology teacher, Mr. Pfeffer, from ninth grade. He had a sunburn. I also had a dream I was at the movies with one of my friends and a friend of hers. They ditched me to hang out with some guys and I ended up walking home. I also had a dream about my good friend, Kyla. We were in an elevator and we were stopping at different lands, observing the colorful creations around us. I feel like this definitely represents my friendship with Kyla as opposed to other friends that have come and gone. I feel like I can only truly be myself with her, and any other people that come along and try to be my friend, I shy away from. Kyla is one of the weirdest people I have ever known in my life, and that's what I love about her. It's so much easier to feel relaxed and at ease when I am around people as weird as myself. I have an odd sense of humor, and I don't like being looked down upon when I try to express myself. So many people that have been my friends have come and gone because they change, they conform to society's standards and it makes me feel uncomfortable, and out of the loop. I am so thankful that I have someone like Kyla in my life that I can really look to for advice and emotional comfort.

October 16th

I had a dream that my mom had a bunch of friends over at like two in the morning and had a garage sale(??? lol). My mom's friends brought food with them and I pigged out on cake, cookies, and doughnuts. The food was amazing. My mom sold everything in her sale and even brought something from someone else's garage sale. It was a waffle T.V. (??? haha) with an antenna. The T.V. had an and my mom put it in our fridge. I also had a dream that I went to New Jersey for Thanksgiving, which is weird because thanksgiving is over a month away.

October 15th

Last night I had a dream that I was on a jogging track, chasing Jaden around in circles. I never caught up with him, and he ended up disappearing. I feel like this represents my feelings towards him. I feel like they are steady and constant, but at times I feel like he is too far away, and they disappear. Why what peace you must have. A lovely tourniquet follows you around like a plague. It invites its victims with a wave of apathetic endearment... Later to be crushed under the air they cannot breathe, because they are not of your kind. Can no one love you? Are you such a kind that waves the sight of containment, at its loss, never at its gain. Never understanding... Only fearing. At a time, you will be haunted, the lonely air will freeze at the sight of you. The trees will wither with your face, the sky will darken as the fog brazes the wind it travels. The sun will find you, but die soon after. Instead the moon will have you at your soul, but even keep its distance. For never will you have it. Never will you see it, gasping, emotions running deficient. You do not allow anything justified, you only desire wavering trifles. You wish upon the forest, the trees that are dying, the trees that search in sake of societal gain. The trees that give up on themselves to follow an importance. The trees that hate themselves, and convince themselves otherwise. I love you, but even that has its faults.

October 14th

So I have decided to do a dream journal for my senior exit project. The way I will do this will consist of documenting the actual dream, and then analyzing one or two or three or however many of the major symbols apparent in the dream that relate to me and my life. If I don't have a dream a particular night, I will just write about whatever is on my mind. There are so many guys in my life right now but the only one I dream about is Jaden, or a stranger. I never dream about Eric, Billy, Will, Kevin, Jake, Austin, Michael, Paul, or Rob. He is the only recurrent symbol in my dreams though, everything else is left for personal interpretation. Jaden stands for something constant, something strong and sturdy, something that I will never let go. He is not only a person, but an idea, an existence, a thought, a realization, a silence, the sea. I relate him to all of these things because he personally means all of them to me. I have viewed Jaden in this light ever sense the day I met him, five years ago. He has this aura about him, this subsistence, this meaning. I never have been really all that close to him, and it may not even be him that makes me feel this way, it may the be thought of him that I treasure so dear. This thought of constant, sturdy, indescribable dearness that he means to me will never go away, and I never want it to. I tell myself everyday that he is the only guy I will ever marry, but part of me thinks I am just protecting myself from everyone in the world because I know the continuation of mine and Jaden's relationship will never come to fruition. This idea in my mind I have of him is more like a barrier, a protection from the outside world, and a place I can come to when I have been displeasured by anyone else. In fact I even avoid Jaden at all costs. If he ever talks to me at a social gathering, I will descend from my pompous stature into this metaphorical silence of apathy. I will only look in his direction if he looks my way, but to look into his soul, and let him see mine.