October 14th

So I have decided to do a dream journal for my senior exit project. The way I will do this will consist of documenting the actual dream, and then analyzing one or two or three or however many of the major symbols apparent in the dream that relate to me and my life. If I don't have a dream a particular night, I will just write about whatever is on my mind. There are so many guys in my life right now but the only one I dream about is Jaden, or a stranger. I never dream about Eric, Billy, Will, Kevin, Jake, Austin, Michael, Paul, or Rob. He is the only recurrent symbol in my dreams though, everything else is left for personal interpretation. Jaden stands for something constant, something strong and sturdy, something that I will never let go. He is not only a person, but an idea, an existence, a thought, a realization, a silence, the sea. I relate him to all of these things because he personally means all of them to me. I have viewed Jaden in this light ever sense the day I met him, five years ago. He has this aura about him, this subsistence, this meaning. I never have been really all that close to him, and it may not even be him that makes me feel this way, it may the be thought of him that I treasure so dear. This thought of constant, sturdy, indescribable dearness that he means to me will never go away, and I never want it to. I tell myself everyday that he is the only guy I will ever marry, but part of me thinks I am just protecting myself from everyone in the world because I know the continuation of mine and Jaden's relationship will never come to fruition. This idea in my mind I have of him is more like a barrier, a protection from the outside world, and a place I can come to when I have been displeasured by anyone else. In fact I even avoid Jaden at all costs. If he ever talks to me at a social gathering, I will descend from my pompous stature into this metaphorical silence of apathy. I will only look in his direction if he looks my way, but to look into his soul, and let him see mine.